Friday, 18 February 2011
How long since you read an email from a Nigerian oil executive? 'Do those guys still exist?' you are probably thinking. Surely they belong to the same antique era as dial-up broadband and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (surely due a re-imagining?). Well, yesterday, I got one! And, moved by the fact that I was massively, unbelievably busy and in no way had the time, I read it carefully:
My name is Mr. Douglas Seko, the Regional Branch Manager, of Intercontinental Bank Plc, in the Western Region of Republic Du Benin.
Clever. Not Nigeria. Every granny knows the Nigerians are crooks.
I came across your impressive contact during my private search for a reliable, and trusted partner, to whom i should introduce this immense opportunity to.
Big up me. I am an impressive contact, and he wants a trusted contact. Trust is a good word. My main worry about this kind of email is the issue of trust.
I must apologized if am using this proposal to intrude into your privacy,
Also privacy, that's the other worry, but we'll let it pass.
I also plead you not to consider this letter as one of those hoax emails scam artists sent over the internet,
That was my worry. I'm glad he's tackling this head on.
and I urge you to put a little attention to it as deserves, although this medium (internet) has been greatly abused by those artists, but I choose to reach you through it because it remains and considered the fastest and most secured means of communication.
This medium is the internet is it? Ok. I am slightly worried that you don't feel the need to qualify 'artists' when talking about fraudsters, but otherwise this is good stuff, putting me at my ease. I am particularly relieved that this is the most secured means of communication.
It is obvious that Internet scammers uses similar letters to connect innocent citizens into their scam lane, but i plead you my dear not to consider this letter as one, only give a little attention to it and see things yourself.
Ok, I get it. You're not a scammer. But I don't mind you saying it again. It's very important to us both that you are a trustworthy person, if we're to have a business relationship. Or a sexual relationship, but that's further down the line. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I have a great transaction in my bank, which i will like both of us to handle, that will be of immense benefit to both of us at this end, if carefully and properly handled.
I am writing to solicit your acceptance and assistance in the noble transfer of US$ 5,200,000.00 to any of your overseas nominated bank account.
Wow, this is a noble transfer, and without letting people too far behind the veil of the freelance economy, half of $5.2m would be of immense benefit to me.
Following the end of the year financial report audit (2010), My office, through the audition discovered that my branch made a total of Five Million, Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($5,200,000.00), from the transactions accruing to the account of the Inland Revenue Service (IRS) ,which the Head Office of our bank is not aware of, because the Transaction with IRS was not detected by the audit department from the head office.
What a boo boo! I presume you told them immediately? By the way, the sum of $5.2m rings a bell. It'll come to me in a minute.
As the Branch Manager of this Bank, my official duties include submitting and sending the annual financial report to our head office at every end of the year, In the case of this IRS transaction, I failed to send the report and the audit department at the head office did not detect such.
So you made a boo boo too? That worries me, if we are to go into business, but at least you've realised now. So you told them at this point, right?
I have already separated the said fund ($5.2M) out from the Management Account and lodged it into a Domiciliary Account with no clear and specified Depositor of the Fund. I have packaged this project in such a way that there will be no risk attached.
No risk of what? Of it being stolen?
As the Branch Manager of this bank, I cannot directly handle the transfer out of this fund from our bank,
to avoid raising an eyebrow or suspicion on me and my office in the process of the transfer, thus i soliciting your urgent and sincere assistance to stand as the original and official depositor/beneficiary of this fund, and you will nominate any overseas Bank Account of your choice to transfer this fund.
Wait. Wait a second. You've stolen this money! And you want me to be your fence? But all that stuff at the start about being honest? Was that all just words?
I have decided that we should share this fund to the ratio of 50/50 when successfully transferred out to you bank account.
I remember it all now: $5.2m. I should have seen this coming. On the other hand, if you transfer it to my account and you've stolen this money, maybe I could just share it out at a ratio of 100/0? That would teach you.
If it is in your keen interest to partner with me in this transaction, I will advise and suggest you urgently respond today and send me the following below information. data, so as to program your name and other information to our branch computer system as the depositor/beneficiary of the fund.
(1)-Your Full Name and Current Address:
(2)-Your Direct Contact Telephone Number/Mobile Number:
(3)-Your present Occupation:
(4) ? Your Sex / Marital Status:
(5) ? Copy of International Passport or Driver's license:
Since I don't want to make you suspicious that I will nick all the money, I'll be safe and send you the originals.
Please Mail me the moment you receive this letter with the above listed information ...
And so on
Thanks for your co-operation in advance.
Mr. Douglas Seko
So, yes, I know this is ancient news, but I hadn't read one in an age, and I found it funny. I know it isn't if you fall for it, and some people must still, but I find I don't much care about them.