dirty books 3

The main thing I have worked out from reading dirty books is that it's more or less impossible to write about sex not-badly, and while most what is writen nowadays is written by women, almost all the people who've done it in History are men, and lots of it is unpleasant for all the obvious reasons, though other lots of it is merely cringeworthy.

Sex is basically interesting, though, and there are some good moments in the interstices, especially of the Victorian magazine, The Pearl, which was posh and pan-sexual. One story features Steve Broad, and ends with him shaving. You don't know Steve? Well-

More's the pity. A jollier, better-hearted and manlier fellow never pissed against a wall.

Shall I whisper the secret, or one of the secrets, of our attachment? Our pricks were both of a length, and our arseholes the same gauge. Don't infer too much from that admission, it was not often that - but, there, I will tell you a story of Steve Broad that will show you the sort of fellow he was

After various digressions with a young woman called Lettice whose gaze would melt the bark off a tree and whose brother was not one to ruin a good day's sport, and who Steve therefore decides to marry, Steve finds himself in a train with a girl called Kate who has had to dress as a midshipman to escape a vile suitor. Steve is on his way to meet his Lettice's father, but he can't help himself - he is, after all, as jolly and manly a fellow as ever pissed against a wall - and he says:

Well, Kate, love, this is quite an adventure, and I tell you it is a long way to the next station, and as it has been one of the greatest ambitions of my life to fuck a midshipman, this is too good an opportunity to let pass

He doesn't, but he is observed! By an enraged gentleman with

a red, round, indignant face, ornamented with a bristly white moustache and surmounted by a tuft of white hair that made the upper part of the head look like an infuriated cockatoo

Of course, this is the potential father in law, and scrapes ensue. It all ends well for a certain very specific and predictable value of well.